Local News Story Of The Week

This is an idea I've had for a while now and was intended to be a light-hearted look at provincial life. The idea was simple - get my local paper each week and take the piss out of the most amusing story therein.



What I hadn't banked on was just how amazingly depressing my local area is. Surely not all areas can be so saturated with stabbings, arson attacks and old ladies being swindled out of their life savings. Should have seen it coming really, I live in South East London for christs sake. When you hear of a stabbing and/or shooting on the news 9 times out of 10 its within a ten mile radius of my house.



Anyway I digress. The upshot is there was no really juicy story I could really get my teeth into so I bring you one of the lighter events from the London Borough of Bexley's weighty tome 'The News Shopper'.

'Kids learn all they knead to know'

Apparently primary school children from Welling have been taken to a bakery to learn about life in the workplace. Now before I get started I have nothing against bakers. Indeed I regularly partake of a coconut slice or carrot cake from the 'Oven Patisserie' in Greenford both of which can be purchased for a rather reasonable 69p. But this is rather my point. It seems to me that a trip to the bakers is rather antiquated. I mean, what next? Trips to the butchers and the fucking candle-stick makers?
Its 2009 - how many of those children are actually going to become bakers? I would be amazed if any did. But even worse what if I was wrong and they were so inspired by their trip that every single bastard one of them did? Thus creating more bakeries than we have a need for. Eventually this would spill over into gang violence - old ladies getting beaten to death with stale baguettes for crossing 'bread territories' to get their chelsea buns for 10p cheaper in the next town. And then where would we be? In the gutter. Well I hope you're happy Gordon Brown.

N.B - Apparently the baker Mr Cheverst 'shocked the children when he told them a baker has to start work at 3am each day'. Whilst I'm sure this is also true of the 'Oven Patisserie' I also happen to know that the baker then fucks off at 9am leaving the surly Polish girl in charge who, no matter how many times I tell her not to, will always put butter in my wholemeal sub.